Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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