Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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