you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
