I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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