I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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