I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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