tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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