started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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