Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
