jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
