they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
