The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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