how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
