someone owes me an orgasm
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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