Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
