then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
