im about as happy as oj after his trial
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
