put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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