we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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