tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
