I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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