who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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