her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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