just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
People in love make me want to vomit
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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