My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
