just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
