I'm so fucking centered right now
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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