Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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