college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
smell my finger.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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