Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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