You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
