those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
