Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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