His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
