So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Also, beer. Big fan.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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