Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
