Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
