8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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