How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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