good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
