I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
