Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i now understand why vodka
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