Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
