You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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