hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
