Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
