so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
