WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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