So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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