I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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