Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
