Just cropdusted the office
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
